Two weeks ago I achieved my Master’s degree. Now I am torn. Torn between fighting the growing emptiness and doing nothing at all. At the moment I prefer doing nothing at all. I tidied up my room. I eat all day. I moan about my job. I moan about not applying for another job. I moan about my boredom. And I literally hate myself for not doing anything at all. I would not consider myself as an ambitious person, rather a goal-orientated person. When I really want something I just do it. I like challenges, nevertheless I am not motivated. When I am not working I can be the laziest person.My master’s degree was stressful. It is my fault that it was stressful because I wrote it next to my 44 hours a week job. My professor told me that I should only focus on my degree, but I was like “No problem, I can handle this”. So next to my job, my master’s thesis and my Chinese classes I kind of tried to handle everything. The result was that I spent all Christmas writing the thesis and the result was: A FANTASTIC GRADE! Can you believe that? Overall I had 6 months for writing a thesis. I spent the last 2 weeks to actually do something for it. I have to admit I wrote almost all day and night in the last 5 days and spent my job vacation for “finishing” it, or rather starting it. But in the end it felt like I did everything right. Same thing with my Bachelor’s thesis. I spent 7 days, while driving to the Copy Shop I was just finishing the cover of the thesis and I received also a FANTASTIC GRADE! Wtf is wrong with the world. How can that be, that laziness is not punished? This is the reason why I do everything last minute.
After doing my oral presentation at my university, the professor was really honoring my analysis and strategy part but was a bit critical about my implementation part, but who cares. I was just walking out of the university, when I decided: I want a new job.
So I started to apply in the company I was working for more “challenging” job and I got a job interview just 2 days after applying. The job interview was okay but I did not really like the job anymore. So I said from my side “No thanks”. But my current job is also boring. Sometimes I go day by day without doing anything really.
I had the vision of myself – traveling the world, working abroad, having a fancy job with international focus and using the stuff you have learned at university. The real vision is – I travel but not as much as I would like, I do not work abroad, I don’t have a fancy job. International focus? Come on, I don’t even need to talk in English. Using the stuff from University? Pff for that job I don’t even need a Master’s degree. I just do my minimum at my job. Sometimes I hate myself for that. But then again, why should I bother? Not my circus not my monkeys.
And there constantly is the emptiness. It keeps following me – What now? Where do I want to improve? Should I take more Chinese classes? Should I learn something completely new? Should I talk to my boss about further education? Should I apply for a new job? Should I Ieave my company after only one year? How should I go on – Which goals should I set?
I found a temporary balance between my job I started to hate and the emptiness which keeps haunting me: Changing your room. I spent all weekends, building up my new things from Ikea, so I was not almost thinking anything – except how to build my new cupboard.
Sometimes I consider running away. Mostly on my way to work. But then I remember that I need money. I need to feed my pets. I have all my things in a flat and I need to pay my rent. But the most important reason: Wherever you go, you always stay the same person – you take your problems with you. You take yourself with you. So when you are a bit empty right now – just like I am – you should find another solution.
I will relax the whole weekend now without doing anything – If it will help me to sort out my things, to “come clear with my life” – Who knows? Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. I did it too, but I realized: Let go. Just let go. The stuff that keeps annoying you? Just let go. Sometimes it Is better to set the priorities differently. Yes, the first years after university and starting to work is an important time in your life and can decide many things with or without our influence. But pull yourself together: Put yourself first – Your dreams – Your plans – Your goals – Your vision.
I will set up a plan at the last day of my “relaxing weekend”. It will be like a huge puzzle – I just need to put the whole big picture together.