I cannot describe how bored I am on Sundays. At first I was thrilled because a friend of mine wanted to brunch with me at 12 o’clock. At 9 o’clock I got up and took a shower while my roommate’s cat stood in front of the bathroom door, meowing. He hates locked doors. I don’t. Sometimes I’m so paranoid that when taking a shower or leaving the flat I double-check that I’ve really locked the door. After taking a shower, I surf on the internet. I could spend hours surfing on the internet and wasting valuable time.
Luckily, I normally set up a daily program, so that I do something useful, so that my life is more or less able to keep up with the lives of instagram bloggers, however without high-profile stories and without no-filter-photos. I’m an incredibly bad instagramer. My channel is private, because I am afraid of anonymous followers. Most of my photos are proof photos to show that I really was in New York last year. With Instagram bloggers like a friend of mine, who posts “don’t be surprised, I’m not looking into the camera” model photos and has a more significant relation of photos and followers than me, I cannot compete. I do not want to. I find it too exhausting to determine an USP for my channel. Especially on a Sunday. Where I already have a motivation problem anyways.
At 11 o’clock I sit in the kitchen and wait for the water to boil in the kettle.To the agreed meeting point I need 15 minutes by foot. 11:15 o’clock: my teacup is still half full and my friend writes, she would be late, since she is still in the gym and afterwards she has to take a shower. Fitness on a Sunday morning – that idea has never come up to my mind yet. I kill time by watching funny videos on Facebook and tagging my friends to it; At 11:40, my friend writes that something has come up and if we can postpone our brunch.
My Sunday program is messed up. I set the cellphone alarm clock to fifteen minutes. When the alarm rings, I take up the phone. I then talk imaginary to my friend for two hours and reproach her for having messed up my daily schedule. In the end, she recommends things that I could do instead of being bored. “Mop the floor”, she says, “Your room clearily needs dusting”, “You could write another article” or “Go outside and take a walk. It is snowing outside. That would be quite pleasant”, and I scream into the phone, what gives her the right to, after she has stood me up, now suggesting me any recommendations. Damn it, that is my life and my dirty room. I hang up angrily.
When you are bored, people are constantly recommending things that you could do. Moping the floor. Dusting. Writing. Going for a walk. But if you are really bored, you do not feel like doing any of those things. You want to stay at home in your bed and despise yourself for being at home and in your bed. You start to think of reasons why moping the floor, dusting, writing and a snow walk would in no case help.
I take my lack of energy very seriously. Instead of going to the museum, I watch Cake Wars and Tattoo Fixers. At the same time I do general knowledge quizzes on the internet. I do not know anything, but to be honest, it is also quite difficult. And never let it be claimed that stupid people are happy. Such nonsense, I am damn stupid and absolutely unhappy.
I read on the internet until unconsciousness. Banana spiders in Brazil. The Victorian era. Abandoned and spooky amusement parks. Break-ups of celebrity couples. However I couldn’t care less. The only thing I do care about is, how much I don’t care about anything.
It is still afternoon. I spend the time with registering for trial subscriptions. Audible, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Spotify, magazines, Kindle books and diverse language courses. After that, I turn on my laptop I use for work and carefully enter the expiration dates of the trials subscriptions into my Outlook calendar. I could work off a few of my emails, but that can wait until tomorrow. My attention turns to online shopping. After 17 things in the shopping cart for a price of $600, I start eliminating things until I have 5 things for a price of $150 in the cart. Now I become rational. Do I really need that? Frantically and overstrained, I close the window – the different kind of shopping experience.
I use the streaming access from my brother. It’s easy: I know the log-in data. Disadvantage: Just one person is allowed to stream at the same time. Often he writes me in iMessage in a very subtle and touching way and tries to encourage me to go. He writes, for example: “Get out of here, you sponger!“.
In the evenings it is usually a bit better, because there is only a little left of the day. Change of mood! Instead of being bored, I’m full of self-hatred in the evenings. Upset and angy. I did not do anything useful all day and all of my friends had an eventful day according to their Instagram stories. Sometimes I forget just how in a bad mood I am, and laugh by mistake.I laugh aloud for a moment before I realize how sad that actually is. As punishment, I hammer my head against my notebook, because including the intake of painkillers, this surely will disturb me for good 15 minutes.
Then I go to bed and I dream that my motivation problem will lead to my downfall and I will be fired from my job. Without perspective and without motivation to apply for a new one, I then send my Instagram selfies to a brothel and I am rejected. I woke with a start and I am worried about an early unemployment. In debt. Insolvent. Maybe I even have to sell my Apple products. It is 4 o’clock in the morning, I turn on my notebook and look, what I may receive on ebay for my badly treated iPhone 7. Little. A little money and hardly any hope. F*** capitalism.